Navelgazing

Someday

Last month, right before Christmas, I met up with my friend Carol for our monthly gab and midway through catching up, she started giving me The Facebook Update. I’ve never had a Facebook so I miss all the comings and goings of who saw Beyoncé or got a puppy or is #blessed (unless they are on Instagram, and then I heart all.)

She chatted for a bit about some folks we used to work with and then out of the blue said, “Do you remember Kerry H? She passed away, just unexpectedly.”

I was completely stunned. Like being punched.

Carol wasn’t expecting my reaction (“You guys weren’t even close friends, were you?”)

I met Kerry at work, during my first few months back at the studio. It was hectic and I was working LONG days and I didn’t socialize much. She approached me one afternoon and asked if I was the girl everyone said traveled a lot… alone.

That was indeed me!

And we started up a nice conversation about travel and all the places she wanted to go to and see. And she was really interested in how I could possibly do it by myself (!!) because that seemed so scary (!!) and of course it is scary until you just go and do it and in time you find it gets easier.

I love talking about travel so I was excited to meet another woman who was interested in the topic.

“What destination is at the top of your list?” I asked her.

“London,” Kerry said. “I loved English literature and history and I just want to see Westminster Abbey and Big Ben and all of it so much.”

“Well, that’s an easy one, “ I told her. “First of all, you speak the language and there are tons of nonstop flights and it’s a great place to travel solo because it’s a city, unlike say, a romantic hotel in Hawaii where you might feel a little out of place. Here, let me look it up on some of my deal sites and see what’s available for next month…”

And right away she came up with a few off-the-top-of-her-head reasons why she couldn’t go (work, scheduling, needs time to plan, money) and then, finally, “I’ll travel when I retire, though, for sure.”

And this seemed crazy to me, because she was in her 40s and that is a LONG time to wait to go to London!

During the time she worked at the studio, we repeated this interaction every few weeks. She would chat me up about travel or ask my opinion on whether or not she should buy frequent flier miles (my answer: NO. Spend your money on a flight, not on miles you may never use!) and she always liked hearing about where I might be off to next. And Kerry would remind me she was planning to see the world once she retired, and eventually I stopped trying to talk her out of her reasons. At least by now I have realized that whether people think they can or cannot do a thing, they are right.

Kerry was just over 50 years old when she had a heart attack and passed away. The day I found out I went home and cried in my bathtub, not even sure why at first, because like Carol said we weren’t all that close. We hadn’t stayed in touch since she left the studio.

But I can’t stop wondering if she ever packed a bag and went to London. If she got out there and saw a little bit of the world. Or did she spend her life waiting to live it after she retired? Was she happy? Did she carve out the life she wanted? Am I happy? Am I carving out a life I want or are there parts of me still putting off the best until (fill in the blank here). I’m hardwired to live in “someday.” I am the person who often saves the nice dress and the nice purse for better occasions, so more than once I have saved a thing so long, only to find it no longer fits, or suits me, or is now moth-eaten and wrong. Am I doing that in any portion of my life? Am I waiting until I am rested/less busy/thinner to do something or try something?

What am I deferring for later that I wish I were doing today?

Writing is one thing. So here I am. The website is still kind of broken and it bugs me but if I wait to fix it before I write I may wait too long to have anything left to say.

These are the thoughts I have been mulling over as we step into 2019.

I hope she saw some of the world. Love to you Kerry ♥

January 30, 2019 26 comments
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Sewing

Personal Style, Wherefore Art Thou?

Now that I have stopped buying ready to wear and I’m just out here making clothes like an obsessed maniac in my home sweatshop of 1 human + 2 cats, I am beginning to view my wardrobe and the entire world of fashion differently. Do I have a personal style? What is it? What looks good on me, fits well, flatters my shape, and is appealing to me? Is there such a thing?

(Ok, full disclosure, the first time I asked myself these questions, the only answer was pajamas. Pajamas for everything.)

The last few garments I made were really fun to sew but once I got them on my body I was less impressed. One top is too matronly, one dress is way too slutty, and one top is somehow both matronly AND slutty. Yay?

I’m still happy I made these items and had the experience of improving my skills and working with different fabrics and patterns, but it did get me wondering where the disconnect is — and I think it’s all about figuring out my own personal style outside the confines of ready to wear.

Ready to wear is extremely limiting. You only have what’s in stock + in your size + in the shop near you (or online availability) + a color you like + a price you can afford. Like many women, I also have a shape that many designers refuse to design for (it’s called “female”) and even if I found a piece of clothing I liked it often had to be tailored to fit well. It’s no wonder I finally gave up and bought five pairs of skirted leggings and a few random tops and called it a day.

I love beautifully made clothes but finding something well-constructed, in my size, in a flattering color, and in stock at the mall was a once-in-a-blue-moon miracle and eventually I got so focused on that whole process that I lost sight of my personal style completely.

Right after my divorce, I went through a similar thought process about home decor and personal decorating style. It was the first time in my life I ever began to buy things just for ME, based on my taste and my preferences. Up until I got married, I had only acquired furniture that was free, or super cheap, or left on a curb, or a combination of those qualities. My home decor was “Early American Goodwill” with some shabby chic and the occasional 1970s ebay find thrown in for spice. After I got married, I purchased things “for the household” … a nice way of saying that I was catering to his style, or (more likely) how I thought grown-up married people were supposed to furnish and style their homes. I lost sight of what I liked, and began to shop for some other person.

After the divorce, it took a few years of paring down and consciously acquiring only items I loved and needed to make headway into my own style. But eventually my home decor preferences evolved into a very solid genre: Los Angles Joan Didion Circa 1968. It’s a little boho, a little mid-century modern, but with that warm late-60s early-70s Hollywood Hills vibe. When you walk into my home you just feel it, and there’s a cohesiveness to the home. I love mid-century furniture, but not the stark, contemporary interpretation of it you see on Instagram. Instead, my tastes lean towards the warm, honey tones of old wood floors and ceiling beams. I like rustic 1950s bricks and mismatched pillows and candles and paintings.

It was a process, though. When I was learning my personal home decorating style, I had some missteps. There was  a prolonged Hello Kitty phase, and a space-age phase, and a short-lived but memorable novelty chair phase.

Now I’m doing a similar exploration of my clothing style.

My personal clothing style up until now has been determined in the following manner:

Sewing has been revolutionary for me this year (and it’s only May!) Now that I am making all my clothes, I am not relegated only to what is in stock in my size in any given store. AND I’m not even bound by what is in style in this moment — if I really need a winter coat in June for an impromptu trip to the Arctic Circle, I can just make myself one.

Budget is still a factor, because good fabric can be very pricey. And you are sometimes limited by what you can find. FOR EXAMPLE…really nice printed ponte knit fabric, why you hiding?

All this choice has led me to try making things I would never have worn in the past — peplum top, I am looking at YOU. Interestingly it was the peplum top that started all of this deep thinking, if one can call this line of thinking deep, because the peplum top actually fit me perfectly and looked good on my body but I was not feeling the print and shape at all. My boyfriend, however, LOVED that top on me. So it got me thinking about shape and fit along with style and how to figure out where I am on that Venn diagram.

So here is my new situation:

It is a huge improvement from a variety perspective. Now my task is to figure out what I like and what flatters my shape. If you take out the obvious — pajamas above all other clothes — and look at what I reach for in my favorites, I tend to favor floaty, bohemian dresses, or 1960s style silhouettes. I like swing coats and miniskirts and A-line anything. I don’t wear high heels very often (OK, not at all right now, ankle still on the mend.) I like tunics and leggings or cigarette pants. I adore a miniskirt with buttons up the front, or a zipper. I almost never wear jeans. But is that because I dislike jeans or just because they have always been such a hassle to buy/fit?

I’m going to keep experimenting with my personal style this year and keep sewing new patterns and trying new shapes. One of my upcoming patterns is a pair of culottes (!!!) Culottes are a size and shape of garment I would never consider buying. For one thing, I am very short. I am also an hourglass figure, which means I can easily get swallowed up by clothes if they’re too voluminous in the wrong way. But I like the pattern and I love the tailoring task of fitting a pair of pants properly, so I am all over this challenge. If they don’t fit me I will gift them along to someone or re-purpose the fabric into something else.

Rather than trying to build up my wardrobe and then go for a long winter’s nap, I am enjoying the daily making/tinkering/refining/experimenting of my 2018 sewing adventure. I can see my skills improving with each garment, and I feel almost ready for a Very Involved Make (perhaps a tailored coat or a vintage dress.)

And who knows, maybe I will eventually figure out that my personal style profile isn’t “all pajamas all the time” after all! Or I will create an entirely new genre of clothing… the formal pajama. Stay tuned.

May 30, 2018 18 comments
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Navelgazing

Yes I Am Freaking Out And So Should You

In mere DAYS I am meeting my boyfriend’s mom (and stepdad and sister and brother-in-law and niece and nephew and assorted other people, the list is long, I am hyperventilating) and last night I started googling maladies I might come down with before Friday night OR that I may already have which is how somewhere on the internet I discovered I had latent tuberculosis? Because I definitely have night chills and sometimes I cough. Or I started coughing when reading the Mayo Clinic article on tuberculosis, who can say.

It’s just that I am nervous because these people are very important in his life (oh did I mention all three of his kids will be there, too? Yes that.) and I am not really so good at making a first impression anyway what with my quirks and opinions and also unfortunate random factoid generator of a mouth/brain that always but always leads to an inappropriate comment.

Also, I don’t get out much.

Also, I like him and it would be sad to be hated by his family.

Also, so many people.

Kennon and Tom and all the people at work who have heard me anxiously overshare about this upcoming trip say nice things like, “Oh you’ll be great! They’ll love you! It will be fine!” and I want to holler, “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? ARE YOU WITHOUT BASIC HUMAN FEELINGS LIKE ANXIETY, EMBARRASSMENT, AND SHAME?”

Carol, who knows me very well, said, “Oh girl, let me know if ya’ll break up this weekend!”

Nonetheless I am going (unless my imaginary tuberculosis flares up???) and I have a cute gift for his mom and a secret box of comfort goldfish crackers in my purse for when I need to go alone to the bathroom and eat my feelings. I tried sewing up a cute outfit to wear but my anxiety was infusing every garment and finally I just gave up on that endeavor. Instead I am focused on breathing at a normal rate and standing upright and (maybe?) even enjoying the moments as they come.

May 29, 2018 10 comments
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Travel

I Would Like a Window Seat With A Side of Carbs, Please

We made it to Rochester and back in no time flat. Over the past two or three years I haven’t travelled much domestically and I forget that America is so HUGE and full of amazing things we don’t have in Los Angeles, like drive-thru banks and free parking and airport police who are nice to you and don’t yell at you in the crosswalks as if you are escaping a maximum-security prison.

The funniest thing that happened was in the car on our way from the conference center back to the airport on Saturday afternoon. We had the cutest Uber driver. She was a mom of three who signed up to be a driver on the weekends in between waiting on the kids at ballet lessons and track practice. She had colorful commentary, regularly argued with her GPS, and told us lots of fun facts about Rochester.

“There’s a festival going on over in that direction,” she said as she vaguely waved out the window. “That’s why there is so much traffic today, sorry ’bout that.”

The Captain and I looked out the car windows, then looked at each other, and then looked out the windows again.

There were four cars in all of Rochester that we could see, including ours.

“Oh, ok, so this is pretty heavy for a normal Saturday?” asked the Captain.

“Yeah,” she said. “Normally it’s much quieter.”

When we drove from my home in the Hollywood Hills to LAX on Thursday night at 9:30 PM, there was a pocket on the 405 that was at a literal complete standstill. At 9:30 pm on a Thursday. And we were in the carpool lane. And rather than complain about the traffic, we both remarked how good traffic had been that evening because we’d made it almost all the way to the 10 without stopping!

Everything is relative, I guess.

One thing that hasn’t changed is how different security is at big airports than tiny airports. In Los Angeles I breezed through security with my ankle brace (it’s plastic and foam and velcro, nothing metal) and in Rochester I almost got strip searched. I didn’t set off any alarms, mind you, we were in the Pre-Check line, and I do have a doctor’s note but nonetheless I had to go through the sort of screening usually reserved for an errant lipgloss that has fallen out of its protective ziploc baggie. This time I kept my mouth shut and didn’t make any jokes because, friends, lessons have been learned. This is perhaps the one good thing about getting older … knowing when to hold ’em, when to fold ’em.

I also learned that even if you don’t get upgraded on the flight home, if you are an Advantage member (not sure which status?) on American, you get free pringles in coach. I was already two drinks in to the trip when I discovered this fact and it was clear to me that all my traveling has paid off and I am being given the respect I deserve, paid in the finest junk food to ever grace the friendly skies. And they weren’t the stingy little 100-calorie packets, it was a true mini-can. BEHOLD, FOR I HAVE ACHIEVED THE FREE PRINGLES.

So, all in all a great trip and lots of fun moments. The next trip is the one where I meet his entire family and die in a puddle of anxiety. We are driving all the way out to Palm Springs/Palm Desert, pray for us. Don’t you like how I’m game for a one-day airplane trip to New York and back, yet driving three hours to the desert feels like we’re embarking on the Oregon Trail in a covered wagon? I’m trying to change my road trip karma by having a good attitude and making a playlist and buying new sunglasses. And packing snacks … lots and lots of Pringles 🙂

 

 

May 14, 2018 5 comments
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TravelWhat I Packed and What I Wore

Hah Hah Some People Are Really Embarrassing On Airplanes

Let me introduce you to MY FLYPAL. It is an inflatable footrest that someone may have purchased off the internet one night during a bout of insomnia shopping and that same someone may have also inflated it in a first-class seat and had the softest airplane slumber possible on a domestic flight with no real footrest.

Sure, there were odd glances from all around. Sure there were people wondering what the H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks was going on in seat 2D and debating if the police should be called to meet us at the connecting gate. But this is one of those times I used my circumstances to my advantage, and by “circumstances” I mean this dopey-ass brace I have to wear on my leg 24/7 (except in instagram pics of my outfits, I am sorry, lines have been drawn.)

I really wanted to try out the inflatable Flypal and once people got a gander of my foot they were fine because it looks legit for me to be literally inflating a raft on the airplane, no biggie.

There are two pieces of this contraption and they velcro together to make one big footrest OR you can use the bigger cube as a footrest and use the smaller cube as a pillow, which is what I did. There is a regular-sized valve for blowing it up but you can pull it out and that becomes a large valve that very quickly deflates it. I thought this was clever! If you want to see how much hard-earned cash I spent on this semi-ridiculous thing, here’s the amazon link. Don’t judge. It really did work and I slept so well.

Anyway! We made it to Rochester and I think I am awake? We went to the hotel to check in, and then we ate potato chips and now I am very, very tired and as soon as I push the green button on this blog I will fall immediately asleep. Oh and in case you are curious I did not talk myself into bringing a rolling bag but I did bring a purse in addition to my backpack because, real talk, I just felt naked as the day I was born traveling so lightly.

May 11, 2018 3 comments
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Travel

Honestly Who Gets Excited About A Red Eye Flight? Let Me Introduce Myself.

Well, apparently now that I remembered I have a blog I can’t get enough of blah blah blahhing every day.

Today is very exciting because it is a travel day! We are taking a red eye to Chicago and connecting to Rochester, NY because there is no way I will not make a trip more complicated if it means I can upgrade. I had planned to sleep in as part of my red-eye strategy but it is 5:52 a.m. and I am wide awake. Thanks, alarm cats!

ALSO I am traveling with just a backpack. Not a big “I’m hiking across Europe on my Eurorail Pass” style backpack, but my little teensy black laptop backpack. I have never traveled so light in my life. In fact it is making me nervous and I think I will probably take a purse, too, because I need something to hold, right? My safety blanket is a stuff-hoard that I carry through life in a purse.

We’re only gone for a hot minute yet somehow I think I could convince myself to take a whole rolling bag if I don’t stop talking about this.

I have not taken a domestic red eye since my book tour and I’m excited (why I do not know) and it all feels very adventurous and fun. We’re going for a conference and flying back the very next day which means I get to have In-N-Out burgers this weekend! You see, California is a very special place and when you leave the state for any amount of time, you need to replenish your California nutrient levels and shorten re-entry by immediately having a double double and fries upon returning to the state.

And Sunday I hope to do some sewing. In just a couple of weeks I am meeting the boyfriend’s mom (ARRRRGGGGH DO YOU HAVE A VALIUM PLEASE) and his sister and brother-in-law and nieces and nephews at a family thing (OH OK JUST SEND ME ALL THE WINE THANKS)  and I am nervous but channeling that energy into making a dress. Not just any dress, I am making the perfect dress. I’m envisioning a wrap dress but with kimono sleeves and ruffles. But in this cool tie dye fabric I found. And somehow in it I am taller and not nervously sweating under one armpit.

But whatever, that is a project for Sunday and today it is Thursday and the clock is ticking. How weird and fun to go to the airport at night. My catsitter/housesitter probably doesn’t agree, as I am notorious for getting to the airport and texting a flurry of: Did I leave the light on in the upstairs bathroom? Can you make sure the closet door in the guest room is cracked? OMG is there enough food? Did I tell you Bob is really into sleeping on a target bag right now and that’s why there’s one on the bed so don’t throw it away ok? etc.

Aren’t I a delight!

Anyway I am sure once I am at the airport and have a good number of adult drinks in my body I will settle down and look at memes and silently assess airport fashion choices, which I assume will be more interesting than usual as the night gets later. Travel days are fun!

 

May 10, 2018 21 comments
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Navelgazing

Everyone At Work Is Crazy And Now I Look Sane By Comparison

I have figured out the key to life and it is to stand next to people who look even more disheveled and insane than you do, thereby through the forces of science and comparison you look so much better.

Hi! It’s only Wednesday! GIRL RUN LIKE YOU WAS ON FIRE.

We are launching a thing today at work and everyone is genuinely running around like crazy and at one point my boss called me all, “Is so-and-so OK with that thing I just sent you???” and I thought, man, I need lunch first, and I went to get myself something to eat and that was when I realized it was …. 6:45 am. In the morning. Chickens in rural parts of California are not even awake yet. What the actual F.

Nonetheless here I am, and I have my Lulu dress T-shirt which I got THREE unsolicited compliments on. Usually I get compliments in this manner:

Me: LOOK I MADE THIS THING I AM WEARING

Random Person: Oh, OK, yeah that looks nice.

Me: RIGHT? CAN YOU BELIEVE I MADE THIS? ISN’T IT AMAZING? THANKS FOR NOTICING!!

As I was typing this just now my boss came in and hollered, “WHEN IS IT GOING LIVE??” and I hollered back,” AS SOON AS SHE SENDS THE EMAIL!” and then he hollered, “OK, TEXT ME, I NEED TO KNOW THE MOMENT IT IS UP!” and I hollered,” I WILL SEND YOU A CHEESEBURGER EMOJI TO DENOTE SUCCESS!”

And just think! It’s still only Wednesday!

 

May 9, 2018 6 comments
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Sewing

I’ve Jumped On The Colorful Leggings Bandwagon and It Is Playing Songs from The Grateful Dead Circa 1977

These are my latest creation, a pair of wacky leggings I made from the leftover fabric on my Heather Dress:

Hi, legs. What a long strange trip it’s been.

This is the Peg Legs FREE (!!!!) leggings pattern from an indie pattern making company called Patterns for Pirates. I love the everliving shiz out of them. They fit me perfectly with absolutely zero alterations –I did grade between sizes for a smaller waist size but that’s standard for me. But I didn’t have to scoop out the curve or lengthen the point or anything and that is miraculous as I have a booty that is two full sizes larger than my waist measurement and pants are usually a journey through the textbooks of crotch curve manipulation.

IN FACT just a few weeks ago I was huddled over tracing paper and analyzing three color-coded crotch curve measurements trying to take an average measurement all beautiful-mind like … you see, it’s science, but for butt size.

Also, is there a weirder word out there than CROTCH?? It’s such a funky word. Hey everyone come to my blog! Where I talk about the calculus of the crotch curve!

These leggings did not need any manipulation of the CROTCH CURVE. They are perfect for my buns just as drafted. This is my second pair, and it’s that cotton interlock fabric from Joann I like so much (the Doodles line, found in the aptly-named “Juvenile” section). This pair of leggings is much thicker and more opaque from my first pair, which were recycled rayon jersey from a failed dress attempt. The pattern works well in both weights of fabric, though this cotton fabric has minimal stretch recovery and by morning I had a little droop in my giddyup. I expected it and I wasn’t upset but if you plan to wear your crazyass leggings out of the house, keep in mind that fabric with lycra or spandex (even just 2-3%) will give you a lot more stretch recovery than this 100% cotton stuff. But whatever, I am a fan of the cotton interlock. It is soft and my life’s plan is to live in soft pajamas.

On both pairs of legging I added a small bit of elastic to the waistband, as I find it emotionally offensive to have to scooch up a pair of leggings. Your mileage may vary.

The best part? It took me ONLY ONE HOUR to sew these hippy dippy leggings up! I cut all the fabric out a few days ago and Sunday night I stitched them together and it only took an hour from beginning to end to do the sewing and friends, I am not a fast sewer. Full disclosure: I do not hem my homemade leggings. So far both pairs I have are meant to be pajamas and I just trim the bottom evenly and call it a day.

So there you have it,  happy tie-dyed leggings from a free and super easy pattern.

I’m having such a good time sewing up all kinds of things. Last summer when I dusted off my machine and started sewing again it wouldn’t have occurred to me to make my own leggings. I deeply believed back then that it was dumb to waste my limited sewing time on something as cheap and easy to procure as leggings. But now I get so much pleasure out of it. For one thing, these are made to perfectly fit my body (even if not altered, certainly grading between sizes helps) and sewn with quality fabric I selected.  This fabric won’t tear or develop a snag or hole on day one. Funny, I didn’t even know what fast fashion was a year ago and I can see how my zen, happy thing (sewing) has also turned into a subject that is opening my eyes and making me think more about sustainability and choice and quality.

And crotch curves. I think a LOT about crotch curves these days 😉

May 8, 2018 10 comments
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